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Love Gift given by Jennifer B. in March 2007
My name is Jennifer Bell. I am in my fifth year here. My husband, Mike, did his residency in Neurology and is now doing a one-year Epilepsy fellowship.
I grew up as a Christian going to church and participating in church related functions. My relationship with God is a slow, on-going process. One big-ticket item we’re in constant discussion about is my relationship with the world and my worldliness. It’s no accident that I’m in the Daniel study right now and it’s speaking straight to my heart. I am so thankful he is willing to meet me where I am. I’m not sure exactly why I’m up here right now. Robin said I needed to get out of the kitchen, so here I am. I hope you appreciate as much as I do all the amazing, strong and godly women you are surrounded by and all the resources they collectively have to offer. When I arrived in Rochester the only Christian cd in my permanent collection was Kirk Franklin. Because of the influential women surrounding you, I now have four cd’s- the three additional all by Sara Groves. A moment came for me at Hearts at Home in November. I’ve been working on this worldliness puzzle for a while now and have some major pieces put together here and there. But Sara Groves’ song “You are the Sun”, which she performed at Hearts at Home, helped me see a bigger picture. I knew this was going to become an anthem for me this next year, if not for life. For those who don’t know it she sings,
You are the sun shining down on everyone
Light of the world giving light to everything I see
Beauty so brilliant I can hardly take it in
And everywhere you are is warmth and light
And I am the moon with no light of my own
Still you have made me to shine
And as I glow in this cold dark night
I know I can’t be a light unless I turn my face to you.
So I looked at my life retrospectively. In college I took control of my life and it was kind of a mess. I wasn’t going to church. I was in some bad relationships. Fortunately, God was still working away. I did a lot of growing up and toward the end of that time He reacquainted me with my on- again, off-again high school sweetheart Mike and continued me on my way.
I moved out to Portland, Oregon where Mike was going to medical school. I was young in my marriage, young in my career and still too young in my relationship with God. I was a commercial interior designer for five years there. And I felt like two different people. My “real life” was great. At home with Mike, with close friends and with my church group, I felt like I could be myself. I could continue growing and struggling in my relationship with God. I could be myself and feel good about whom I was and where I was going. But during my work hours and during work related social functions, I really struggled with asserting who I was. For the first few years I had a very ungodly boss. He was very creative designer but was moody, worldly and self-absorbed person. He prided himself on being outrageous and he gauged a person a lot on how one reacted and interacted with him. There was a very fine line between getting his praise and attention and being left in the dark and out of the social, creative scene. So in a nutshell, the time I was spending in a world that was all about knowing who was who, what was hip and reacting to the topic de jour was double that of my at-home, personal time. I was exposed to a lot of different people and differing perspectives.
In my world you couldn’t just design, you had to learn how to sell your design and sell this image that you were creating. I was learning from some of the best and was consciously and unconsciously creating an image of myself. I felt I had a lot of ground to cover, I was new, I was from Billings, Montana, from a working class family, went to college in North Dakota, on paper that all doesn’t exactly scream “top designer.” My self-esteem depended largely on getting my boss’s and co-worker’s approval, gaining and relishing in the confidence and esteem of clients and finding ways that I could measure up to this world and its standards. I didn’t want to miss out on the design sessions that could happen over a napkin at lunch. I didn’t want to be passed over on a project, because I wasn’t viewed as being creative enough or not right for the job (i.e. cool, hip enough). I was highly conscious of my image. I really tried to keep my daily world and my “real world” separate, which with a husband in medical school it was more often easier to do than not. I was going to church, in a bible study. But my relationship with God was reduced to a series of taps on the shoulder, whispers in the ear and holding my one-sided conversations. I deluded myself thinking that I wasn’t losing myself to this world. But I was conscious of the fact that I felt powerless against it. I couldn’t be bold myself, let alone be bold in Christ. I was painfully aware that I was not shining with God’s light, and it made me a spiritual mess.
God likes to give me clean slates with each new phase of my life. I “had to” quit my job. I had Eponine, Mike graduated medical school and we moved all within a span of two months. With these clean slates, whether it is Fargo, Portland or Rochester it was my challenge, in a place where nobody in my daily life knows me, how am I going to allow myself to be perceived? What would I do with my new identity? How was I going to shine with God’s light? These years here in Rochester have been a kind of spiritual vacation for me. With MSBS, Hearts at Home, and being at home with my kids, I’ve had a lot of time to think on where my life has been and where I want it to go. I’ve been working on making my relationship with God stronger and more purposeful. I’ve learned that to be bold in Christ I need to be in the word consistently. I need to pray more consistently and purposefully. But when I heard that song I also realized that I needed to start turning purposefully toward Him. I need to start looking at God.
I am the moon with no light of my own
Still you have made me to shine
And as I glow in this cold dark night
I know I can’t be a light unless I turn my face to you
Through this song I’ve acquired a lifelong goal. Here’s a flashback to earth science class. In college I was a lunar eclipse- the world was between me and my God. In Portland I was varying degrees of waning. Here in Rochester, I’d like to think that I have been a waxing moon, growing brighter and brighter with God’s light. But wouldn’t it be cool... God grant the day that I can be a solar eclipse! God grant me the day that I can have my back so turned to the world that to look on my relationship with him the world risks going blind! I know it’s lofty. But that’s my goal, my new anthem.
I’m three months away from my next new clean slate, my next phase in life. We’re moving to Bend, Oregon. We have close friends and family members within driving distance, but in terms of my everyday life, I have a new, fresh start. Retrospectively it’s amazing to see the chain of events that led us to Bend. Like Rochester, it was not on our radar as a place we thought we’d be moving too. I see God’s hand in how we came to Bend, which helped shorten my period of mourning the lost vision we had of our family being back in Montana. And I see God already providing for us there. Michelle Martin was my fellow coffee wench, as she likes to say, in MSBS and is now living there, and thinking of starting up a Side By Side chapter. One of the partners wives, there are only three in the clinic Mike will be working at, has already boldly told us that we are an answer to her prayers for her husbands practice. So now it’s my turn. Now it’s my challenge. How much of God’s light will I let shine? Who will I be presenting to my new community? I do hope to get back to design some day. And we will be searching for a new church family. This time I don’t want anyone to wonder, on or off the clock, if I’m a Christian. And I am going to keep working toward my solar eclipse. I’m really excited to find out what God has in store for my young family and me.
My name is Jennifer Bell. I am in my fifth year here. My husband, Mike, did his residency in Neurology and is now doing a one-year Epilepsy fellowship.
I grew up as a Christian going to church and participating in church related functions. My relationship with God is a slow, on-going process. One big-ticket item we’re in constant discussion about is my relationship with the world and my worldliness. It’s no accident that I’m in the Daniel study right now and it’s speaking straight to my heart. I am so thankful he is willing to meet me where I am. I’m not sure exactly why I’m up here right now. Robin said I needed to get out of the kitchen, so here I am. I hope you appreciate as much as I do all the amazing, strong and godly women you are surrounded by and all the resources they collectively have to offer. When I arrived in Rochester the only Christian cd in my permanent collection was Kirk Franklin. Because of the influential women surrounding you, I now have four cd’s- the three additional all by Sara Groves. A moment came for me at Hearts at Home in November. I’ve been working on this worldliness puzzle for a while now and have some major pieces put together here and there. But Sara Groves’ song “You are the Sun”, which she performed at Hearts at Home, helped me see a bigger picture. I knew this was going to become an anthem for me this next year, if not for life. For those who don’t know it she sings,
You are the sun shining down on everyone
Light of the world giving light to everything I see
Beauty so brilliant I can hardly take it in
And everywhere you are is warmth and light
And I am the moon with no light of my own
Still you have made me to shine
And as I glow in this cold dark night
I know I can’t be a light unless I turn my face to you.
So I looked at my life retrospectively. In college I took control of my life and it was kind of a mess. I wasn’t going to church. I was in some bad relationships. Fortunately, God was still working away. I did a lot of growing up and toward the end of that time He reacquainted me with my on- again, off-again high school sweetheart Mike and continued me on my way.
I moved out to Portland, Oregon where Mike was going to medical school. I was young in my marriage, young in my career and still too young in my relationship with God. I was a commercial interior designer for five years there. And I felt like two different people. My “real life” was great. At home with Mike, with close friends and with my church group, I felt like I could be myself. I could continue growing and struggling in my relationship with God. I could be myself and feel good about whom I was and where I was going. But during my work hours and during work related social functions, I really struggled with asserting who I was. For the first few years I had a very ungodly boss. He was very creative designer but was moody, worldly and self-absorbed person. He prided himself on being outrageous and he gauged a person a lot on how one reacted and interacted with him. There was a very fine line between getting his praise and attention and being left in the dark and out of the social, creative scene. So in a nutshell, the time I was spending in a world that was all about knowing who was who, what was hip and reacting to the topic de jour was double that of my at-home, personal time. I was exposed to a lot of different people and differing perspectives.
In my world you couldn’t just design, you had to learn how to sell your design and sell this image that you were creating. I was learning from some of the best and was consciously and unconsciously creating an image of myself. I felt I had a lot of ground to cover, I was new, I was from Billings, Montana, from a working class family, went to college in North Dakota, on paper that all doesn’t exactly scream “top designer.” My self-esteem depended largely on getting my boss’s and co-worker’s approval, gaining and relishing in the confidence and esteem of clients and finding ways that I could measure up to this world and its standards. I didn’t want to miss out on the design sessions that could happen over a napkin at lunch. I didn’t want to be passed over on a project, because I wasn’t viewed as being creative enough or not right for the job (i.e. cool, hip enough). I was highly conscious of my image. I really tried to keep my daily world and my “real world” separate, which with a husband in medical school it was more often easier to do than not. I was going to church, in a bible study. But my relationship with God was reduced to a series of taps on the shoulder, whispers in the ear and holding my one-sided conversations. I deluded myself thinking that I wasn’t losing myself to this world. But I was conscious of the fact that I felt powerless against it. I couldn’t be bold myself, let alone be bold in Christ. I was painfully aware that I was not shining with God’s light, and it made me a spiritual mess.
God likes to give me clean slates with each new phase of my life. I “had to” quit my job. I had Eponine, Mike graduated medical school and we moved all within a span of two months. With these clean slates, whether it is Fargo, Portland or Rochester it was my challenge, in a place where nobody in my daily life knows me, how am I going to allow myself to be perceived? What would I do with my new identity? How was I going to shine with God’s light? These years here in Rochester have been a kind of spiritual vacation for me. With MSBS, Hearts at Home, and being at home with my kids, I’ve had a lot of time to think on where my life has been and where I want it to go. I’ve been working on making my relationship with God stronger and more purposeful. I’ve learned that to be bold in Christ I need to be in the word consistently. I need to pray more consistently and purposefully. But when I heard that song I also realized that I needed to start turning purposefully toward Him. I need to start looking at God.
I am the moon with no light of my own
Still you have made me to shine
And as I glow in this cold dark night
I know I can’t be a light unless I turn my face to you
Through this song I’ve acquired a lifelong goal. Here’s a flashback to earth science class. In college I was a lunar eclipse- the world was between me and my God. In Portland I was varying degrees of waning. Here in Rochester, I’d like to think that I have been a waxing moon, growing brighter and brighter with God’s light. But wouldn’t it be cool... God grant the day that I can be a solar eclipse! God grant me the day that I can have my back so turned to the world that to look on my relationship with him the world risks going blind! I know it’s lofty. But that’s my goal, my new anthem.
I’m three months away from my next new clean slate, my next phase in life. We’re moving to Bend, Oregon. We have close friends and family members within driving distance, but in terms of my everyday life, I have a new, fresh start. Retrospectively it’s amazing to see the chain of events that led us to Bend. Like Rochester, it was not on our radar as a place we thought we’d be moving too. I see God’s hand in how we came to Bend, which helped shorten my period of mourning the lost vision we had of our family being back in Montana. And I see God already providing for us there. Michelle Martin was my fellow coffee wench, as she likes to say, in MSBS and is now living there, and thinking of starting up a Side By Side chapter. One of the partners wives, there are only three in the clinic Mike will be working at, has already boldly told us that we are an answer to her prayers for her husbands practice. So now it’s my turn. Now it’s my challenge. How much of God’s light will I let shine? Who will I be presenting to my new community? I do hope to get back to design some day. And we will be searching for a new church family. This time I don’t want anyone to wonder, on or off the clock, if I’m a Christian. And I am going to keep working toward my solar eclipse. I’m really excited to find out what God has in store for my young family and me.
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