Proverbs 22:1 says “A good name is to be chosen over great riches. It’s something to value and protect.”

Like you, I strive to have a great marriage, and I have enjoyed these marriage minute talks here at SBS. I always take away some golden knowledge nugget that I appreciate in my journey as a wife, mother, and friend.  Public speaking would not make my top 100 things I enjoy doing but hope I can share something I have learned from my own experience in married life…which continues to be a work in progress.

With that in mind, I have been asked today to give you a Marriage Minute on two very different subjects. His Reputation & His Priorities.  I am going to start with “His Reputation”. Notice both these topics start with “His” so you may be thinking, “Hmmm…What does this have to do with me?”

During the 8 years I have been married, I have come to realize that Tait and I have a profound impact on each other’s reputation.  Although Tait and I make our own decisions in many areas, the decisions we make say a lot about what we stand for and color people’s perception of us as a couple as well as their perception of us as individuals.   Here are a few thoughts to keep in mind….

1.     People will judge your spouse based on their impression of you. Be mindful of your own reputation and actions as it reflects on your spouse.  God wants us to be honest, sincere, genuine, above reproach, and pure in heart.  He wants us to be people of character and integrity.  One belief that our family has is that “thoughts lead to actions, actions lead to habits, and habits lead to character.”  Thus integrity starts with our thought life.  As suggested in Phillipians 4:8, “ Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.”

2.      People will judge your spouse based on what you say about them.  Related to this, do not have your fights in public. By this, I do not mean only avoiding arguing in front of other people.  I mean being mindful not to discuss your arguments with your spouse with your friends with the intent of getting some people to “agree with you or be on your side”. It is tempting to do this rather than work things out directly with our husbands.  Sometimes, we do need someone to talk for support and to seek advice.  It is important not to use this as an excuse to constantly complain about our husbands.  Under these circumstances, I would strongly recommend that, first, you only talk to one person about this.  It should be a person of wisdom who can be trusted to keep things in confidence.  It should also ideally not be someone who has their own relationship with your husband as the goal is not to get a mutual friend on my side or to have them be an indirect channel of communication. Second, have some discernment about how much you share.  They do not necessarily need every detail to give you support or sound counsel.  Third, if you are really struggling, seek professional guidance through a pastor in your church or a marriage counselor.

3.     Be your husband’s advocate. Les and Leslie Parrot have a great short article that I would recommend entitled, “Becoming your Spouse’s Publicist.” Sometimes, we may complain to our close pals about our husbands. “It’s just harmless conversations with friends” you may be thinking. These innocent complaints can start creeping into our conversations with others who do not even know us well, and it may start to impact how we feel about our marriage. It is definitely great to have friends we can be real with, “blah blah pals” as Robin Morgenthaler calls them, however, these are folks we can talk to about our own struggles and frustrations--not a person we are griping to about our spouse. J The bottom line, however, “When you have the urge to whine about your spouse to others, reconsider, and don’t let a good opportunity to praise your partner in front of others pass you by.

Moving to the second topic of “His Priorities”…Again, you may be thinking, “This is about him. What do I have to do with it?” Our husbands, as physicians (whether in training or beyond), have limited time outside the hospital.  This means they have limited time and energy for activities outside of their work.  As you are sitting here, ask yourself, “Am I helping him spend this time and energy wisely and trying to help his personal needs be met during this time, or am I just making sure my own and our families’ needs are met?”

Philippians 2:4 says, “Let each of you look out not only for his own interests but also for the interest of others.” As a loving wife, this is part of our job.

I am guessing that most of you are in charge of your family calendars.  Jill Savage’s blog had a great quote this summer that read, “The best two indicators of whether you’re living your value system are your calendar and your checkbook.” Take a look at your own priorities as you help him.  If a wife wants her husband’s priorities to be in that order, she has to make sure hers are as well.

Our couples Bible study group recently went through a book titled, “Getting Away to Get It Together” by Bill & Carolyn Wellons. This book is an excellent Christian resource for marriages, and it has some great ideas for helping you and your husband identify your priorities.

If you look at the sheet in front of you, I have copied one of the book’s exercises so you can take it home and complete it with your spouse (when you see him next week of course). J The directions are listed below. You will each separately record a single-word description of where you are emotionally in the following areas of your life. It may sound like this: physical—always tired & flabby/ spiritual-whipped/ relational (friends)-lacking, etc. Hopefully, you will have also have some positives in these one word answers. However, it is a great way to reflect upon how you can help each other work towards these goals.

One of the first times we did this exercise, Tait asked me to help him exercise 2 nights during the week and once over the weekend. This may not seem like a lot, but what Tait was really asking me is if he could come home late those nights—meaning post supper and usually around bedtime for our children.  Inwardly, I was thinking “no way.” However, this request came across very differently when he was telling me it was an important priority in his world and that he needed my help to take good care of himself. It definitely made my heart open in a different way, and we have since adjusted to this schedule quite easily. In the same way, Tait has been able to help me come up with ideas and help me “carve out’ time for my priorities.  This helps us be advocates for each other and make sure our individual needs are being met.

I hope you enjoy this activity with your spouse. Be sure to conclude your time together in prayer, asking for God’s help in completing these new goals.

As I end, I would like you to join me in prayer:

Lord, we pray that our husbands will have a reputation that is untarnished. We know that Proverbs says a man is often valued “by what others say of him” so we pray that he will be respected and people will speak highly of him. Lord, we also pray that our husbands put God first, us second, and our children third. Help us to set our priorities that honor you. Help us to put our husbands before our children, work, friends, activities, and interests. Enable our husbands to do the same. Amen.