In my dining room, there is a plaque that says “Christ is the head of this house, the unseen guest at every meal, the silent listener to every conversation.” I love the reminder that He is always with me. I think this statement also works with my husband as the subject: he is the head of our family, a frequent “guest” at dinner, and would listen to every conversation if it wasn’t football season.  As hard as it can be to remember in a medical marriage especially, my husband is the head of my family and should be remembered in every conversation especially those that center on marriage. Our group has decided to place a picture of our husbands in our books to remember to honor them as we intervene with prayer on behalf of our marriages.  I will also put David up here for me to remember the same for the next 10 minutes.

Love and respect—two things I never thought I would have to “work on” in marriage when first meeting David at age 18. He was good at everything –he ran, double majored in biomedical engineering and trumpet, participated in a Bible study, loved cooking and I adored him the minute I saw him in his orange Fleet Farm t-shirt. Love and respect was taken care of although he played hard to get and we were friends for 3 years. In those years of friendship I saw beyond the gorgeous brown eyes, his quiet caring nature, thoughtful response to questions and his convictions that weren’t as noisy as mine, but just as concrete. He was compassionate, sincere, and a ton of fun and clearly the best man God had ever created. When we first started dating we joked that we knew each other so well, we would never fight about anything… We have been married 10 ½ years, have moved about 5 times, have two little boys, extended family issues, unloving moments and disrespectful conversations. His quietness seemed like stonewalling, thoughtful responses sometimes took days which I perceived as uncaring and quiet convictions became no convictions at all… clearly, my love and respect needed a tune up! In this week’s reading, Stormie wrote “Loss of respect seems to precede loss of love and is more hurtful to a man than we realize.”

God was gracious enough to lead us to a book study conveniently labeled “Love and Respect” by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs, which reminded me of God’s perspective on man and wife and His plan for my marriage. For the most part, I am going to ignore “love” as a topic since as women God has made us the nurturers and lovers of our family. Loving comes naturally for us. Respect… not so much. God’s plan for our marriage is found in Ephesians 5: 22-33, I will read excerpts:

 22 Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. 23 For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. 24 Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.

 25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her. 33 However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.

In biblical times this was radical thinking for marriage, but even today I think it is considered controversial.  As an illustration of our world’s perspective, Aretha Franklin belted out “Respect” in 1967 and it became an instant hit, but the song was actually written and sung in 1965 by a man Otis Redding to his wife.  Even Wikipedia states “While Redding wrote the song as a man's plea for respect and recognition from a woman, the roles were reversed for Franklin's version. Franklin's cover was a landmark for the feminist movement, is considered one of the best songs of the R&B era, inducted in the Grammy Hall of Fame, and is #5 on Rolling Stone's list of The 500 Greatest Songs of All Time.”

Love Aretha singing, but I can’t agree with her song. The Bible says that husbands are to love their wives and wives are told to submit to their husbands and respect them. Not love them, respect them.  God created man and woman differently (this we know) so it shouldn’t surprise us that we need different things to best motivate us to have vital marriages.  Husbands need respect and wives need love. I don’t think I quite got it. In any lull during the day in my house, I am telling my two boys and David that I love them. When we first got married, David said I said this too much and should only say it when I “really meant it.” I was shocked. Did he not think I meant it every time? And was he missing the hint that perhaps he was supposed to be saying it back to me? Unfortunately, I was the one who missed the hint. David knew he was loved, but telling him all the time wasn’t necessarily the way to convey it to him. Now he tells me frequently that he loves me and what’s funny, he made me wonder why I was saying it so often. I think I used it as a way to get him to start talking on quiet days. Our greatest trial: quiet versus verbose!

1 Corinthians 7:28 says “those who marry will face many troubles in this life…” In his book, Dr. Eggerichs compiles these troubles into a “Crazy Cycle” which states without love she reacts without respect, and without respect, he reacts without love. Many things can cause this cycle, but behind the issues lies feelings of disrespect and unloving.  For me, two culprits have been my expectations and my tongue.  Proverbs 10:19 says “Those who talk a lot are likely to sin, but those who control their tongues are wise.” I wanted David to always agree with me and if he didn’t, I thought it meant he didn’t love me. I often gave him “pointers” on how to best parent. And I wanted him to read my mind on what I expected from him, which was to be in a Bible study, have a robust list of close friends, lead us in church going every weekend, love me the perfectly and go to work every day.  I saw losing an argument as defeat and if I was right, then it was the principle of the thing.  (You could say pride was also a culprit to my disrespect!) This brings us to some verses Tracy highlighted last week. Proverbs 21:9 “Better to live on a corner of the roof than share a house with a quarrelsome wife.” This is repeated in Proverbs 25:24 verbatim. God must know how easily we forget! Proverbs 21:19 “Better to live in a desert than with a quarrelsome and ill-tempered wife.” Proverbs 19:13 “a quarrelsome wife is like a constant dripping.” Proverbs 27: 15 “A quarrelsome wife is like a constant dripping on a rainy day; restraining her is like restraining the wind or grasping oil in the hand.”

So it is better for our husbands to live in the desert, on the corner of roofs, listening to constant dripping, or trying to grab oil than to be with what? God calls us quarrelsome wives 5 times. He knows my number. I learned if I badgered my quiet, sweet, non-confrontational husband, I would get my way. But as Dr. Eggerichs says, “Wives may feel like they won the battle, but they are quickly losing the war.”  I am learning God gives strength and pause to my words so that I can ask “is what I am about to say respectful or disrespectful?” I was able to see that expectations should be on the one who can exceedingly fulfill them. By letting go of unrealistic expectations, I allowed this instance of disrespect out of our cycle.  I joke with David that God decided he had to become a doctor because I relied too heavily on him for happiness and strength. I needed to realize that God is the one holding me up every day, not man, no matter how much I love that man!

Another catalyst to our crazy cycle is of course our crazy marriage to the medical life. Our husbands have respected jobs. People outside of health care ooh and ahh, not always understanding the sacrifices one makes. Wives can become weary and forget that the most important place for husbands to receive respect is from them. Perhaps barraging Dave with how bad my day was as he closes the garage door is the not the best time. We can remind ourselves that they aren’t always respected as medical trainees and our husbands get depleted. Our job is to fill them back up.

My husband shared with me that often coming home and hearing everything he missed without “being missed,” can make him feel less respected. Our lives go on without them, but letting them know they are missed, or trying to plan the really good things when they are around is a helpful way to let them know they are respected. In our house, we move dinner time around because we can at this stage in our kids’ lives. I know it will change, but for now, that is one way we can show David respect that he is a vital part of our lives.

It is so easy to belittle their roles in the family when we are running households.  I forget self-sufficiency is not something I should shoot for, but rather dependence on my God and a need for my husband to be head of the family. This is a tricky line for us to walk as medical spouses. Obviously, we have to be somewhat self-sufficient, but we have to do so with keeping our husbands ultimately in their headship role.

Some worry that giving unconditional respect will bring “doormat” treatment.  As a strong-willed woman, I can understand, but as a Christ follower I wince. First of all, I think this is tied to fear that if we unconditionally respect our husbands, unconditional love will not be reciprocated. God doesn’t want us to be children of fear telling us in 1 Peter 3:6 “do what is right and do not give way to fear.” Christ also laid down his life willingly for our sins—he became a doormat for us, for many who will reject him. I see no disgrace in trying to be more like Christ.

Second of all, I think if we love our husbands, it is our great joy to be able to give this respect to them knowing that God commanded it, and it will build our husbands up in a way that we perhaps didn’t realize. Like loving our husbands, respecting our husbands is more than a feeling, it is a choice. It goes against human nature to give something unconditionally, but God calls us to unconditional love, forgiveness and respect. We can’t do it without his help. If it is a difficult husband, then God calls us in 1 Peter 3:1&2 to act so “that they may be won without a word by the behavior or their wives, as they observe your chaste and respectful behavior.”

 After reading this book, I realized I didn’t know what made David feel respected other than not criticizing him, or not outshouting in conflict.  He replied, “When you tell me that you appreciate me going to work every day to provide for the family.” My first thought was, wow, that’s it? Great! And then my next thought was “well, isn’t it obvious? We would be homeless, hungry and destitute if you didn’t?” This just shows the difference in what men need and what woman think they need. It seems so easy, but then putting into practice is HARD. In the book, Dr. Eggerichs gives an acronym to say how to show men respect. It spells CHAIRS.

Conquest- appreciate his desire to work and achieve, we all have to agree our husbands are overachievers!

Hierarchy- appreciate his desire to protect and provide

Authority- appreciate his desire to serve and lead

Insight- appreciate his desire to analyze and counsel, I especially loved this one and didn’t get to experience it often because silence made me think he was unhappy. When I learned to be quiet, he had great wisdom to share which only made me respect him more!

Relationship- appreciate his desire for shoulder to shoulder friendship. This was an ah-ha moment for me. David loves football and loves to sit on the couch with me to watch it. I don’t mind for the most part, we’re snugglers, but when I didn’t care who was playing, I would get up and do housework. David would get upset and I couldn’t understand why. If he wasn’t talking to me what was the issue? He said he just wanted me to be with him. Just sit there. Some days he even fell asleep on me! When I tried to move he complained. Reading this was groundbreaking! They just want you to be there.

Sexuality- appreciate his desire for sexual intimacy – that’s for next week!

Other ways I have found to respect David before a crazy outburst is to really think about his heart. When I hear something that sounds unloving, I ask myself “what is really behind his comment?” That slows my reactions down before I quip something disrespectful back. I tell him things I respect about him even though at first it feels much more awkward then telling him things I love about him. For our 9th anniversary I wrote him an “I respect you” card instead of an “I love you card.” Of course I still tell him I love him!

For our eight years, here are 8 things I respect/admire about you:

1.     Your work ethic and drive—wanting to give your best in all circumstances for those who will benefit.

2.     Your desire to provide not only with careful consideration of financial decisions, but wanting a loving and spiritual environment.

3.     The quiet strength of your convictions

4.     Your natural desire to withhold judgment

5.     Your ability to listen fully before answering thoughtfully

6.     Your humility regarding God’s gifts to you

7.     Your leading ideas on how to biblically discipline Luke (and what is best for me spiritually as well)

8.     Your juggling of work, fatherhood and marriage with a loving heart

9.     And your intelligence—I mean seriously you can do anything. You are amazing to me and I don’t feel worthy but God must love me very much.

And he loves you very much as well and gave you the perfect husbands to fill when they are depleted. Proverbs 12:4 “A wife of noble character is her husband’s crown, but a disgraceful wife is like decay in his bones.” May we all make the choice to love and respect our husbands and not send them to the hospital… when they don’t need to be there!